Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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