So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
