my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
