DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
