Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
