How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
