I want to walk on stilts...naked
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
