all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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