found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
