I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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