Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
