I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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