I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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