Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
