evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
