so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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