I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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