Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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