So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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