It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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