My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Randomize
