He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
