shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
