I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
