i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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