He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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