Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
