I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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