Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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