I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
