You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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