I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
