i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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