White coat. Heels.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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