thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
