A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
