god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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