"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
