so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
