You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
