I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
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she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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