it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
