I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm too high and old for this...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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