I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
