matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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