Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How external is "for external use only"?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
