the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
