So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
