Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
