i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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