does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My vagina just recognized that song.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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