i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
