Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
