I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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