the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
