some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
