I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
