I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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