Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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